I distinctly remember approaching my brother at work, feeling deeply troubled. It was a Friday, and as I reflected on how much I hated my life, I realised I had nothing to look forward to. I knew I’d spend the evening alone, feeling lonely, depressed, and sad.
I told my brother:
"I have no hobbies, interests, or friends. I have a drug problem, two kids from two different women, and I'm heavily in debt. I feel like an absolute loser! Who in their right mind will ever want me again? No one is ever going to give me the time of day! I have nothing to offer and nothing to give."
At that time, I felt absolutely hopeless. I was drowning in guilt and shame, going to sleep crying the same tears, waking up from the same nightmares, and struggling everyday to cope. My child’s mother had recently left met, I wasn’t seeing my daughter, and I was arguing with family members. It literally felt like I was living in hell.
That Friday evening, I turned to the drugs as usual, getting spun out watching porn. It was the perfect escape, until it wasn’t. The guilt and shame piled up, along with suicidal thoughts. The comedowns were always the worst.
The turning point came when, after smoking like a chimney at the front porch, it felt like all that guilt, shame, and self-hatred were having a conversation with me. It was like they were saying, “We could be best friends if you’d just quit these childish behaviours and grew the fuck up.”
It dawned on me that I couldn’t keep living like this, stuck in a cycle of self-destruction and despair. That moment was a wake-up call—I had to face reality, make a change, and start rebuilding my life. That’s how my journey began, Transforming my childish ways into purpose and learning to break free from self-sabotaging behaviours.
Now, I’m here to help other men who are in the same place I was. I know the journey well. If I could turn my life around, so can you..
More Interesting Facts About Antonio 🙃
More Interesting Facts About Antonio 🙃
I’m a Proud Father of Two
Meet Bella, my vibrant 7-year-old daughter, and Max, my adventurous 12-year-old son. They're my greatest joys in life and the reason I feel like the luckiest man alive. Our bond is unbreakable, as you can probably tell from the photo! 😂 But it wasn't always smooth sailing. Being a single parent comes with its own challenges, especially when navigating the complexities with their mothers after breaking up, which unfortunately resulted in complications with accessing my children and seeing them.
Sure, my journey as a father hasn’t been without its challenges, and my relationships with my children’s mothers haven't always been as amicable as they are now. However, within it all, I learned the most valuable lesson as a man and a father: the importance of providing security and building trust as parents who want to do what's right for all of us, and providing comfort and support, no matter our differences.
This lesson was particularly valuable during a time when I didn't have access to my children due to friction between me and their mothers. Despite our challenges, I remained committed to being a positive role model and thrived as a result of personal development.
It’s helped me be the best father I can be for Max and Bella, guiding them with love while understanding what that means without any conditions, and coming from a place of integrity and support every step of the way to give them the best life possible.
Thankfully, those days of hardship are behind us now, and we've built a strong, loving relationship. Despite having different mothers, Max and Bella share a special sibling bond that warms my heart every time we’re together. My journey as a father has taught me invaluable lessons in patience, compassion, and kindness.
The First Vision Board I Ever Made
In early 2019, my daughters' mother left me. At that point, I had lost all trust and respect from her. Soon after our breakup, between the weight of heartbreak, I found hope in a simple act of creativity: creating a vision board.
One late Friday evening, I found myself doing what Antonio often spent most of his spare time doing, snorting cocaine. Following the comedown, in my mind's eye, I could see my child's mother outside, holding my daughter in her arms, standing with the neighbors and her family, all pointing at my bedroom window, saying, 'You should be ashamed of yourself. You're disgusting.'
I don’t know what came over me, although it’s interesting how inspiration strikes in the most unexpected moments. That night, as panic and shame consumed me, I had the idea to write down on my vision board the following: that I would write a book about my life, inspired by Russell Brand for his openness and charisma, and Eckhart Tolle, for his philosophy and wisdom on spirituality.
In the days that followed, that vision board became more than just a collection of images and words; it became a symbol of determination to do better with my life. Although, I must admit, that every evening or morning as I looked at my vision board, which was up on my bedroom wall to my right from my bed, so I often see. I would laugh at the thought that I would write a book. Who, me? Write a book? You're having a laugh!
But, against all odds, I did it. My debut book, titled "The Lockdown On Self-Love, How to make suffering work for you," offering insights and lessons I learned along the way. Through my own struggles and triumphs, I discovered the power of self-reflection, personal development, and the importance of seeking help when needed. Now, I share my story not only to inspire others but also to offer practical advice and guidance for anyone facing similar challenges.
It goes to show how even during our darkest times, that one small act of self-expression and self-reflection can lead to personal growth and positive change.
I Use To Take Steroids
The bodybuilders dream body, Ah, those were the days! 😂
Back in 2017, around Christmas time, I made a decision that would change everything: I started taking steroids. My fiancée at the time, who is now the mother of my daughter, was pregnant, and tensions were running high at home. I can't quite recall what the argument was about, but I remember storming out of the house in a fit of anger and seeking refuge at my parents' place.
Little did I know, that impulsive decision would lead me down a dangerous path. Before long, I found myself in contact with someone who could supply me with steroids. And just like that, I made up my mind, I convinced myself that I needed to be the protector, the strong man my newborn daughter and her mother deserved. But looking back, I realise that the steroids only served to mask how fragile I felt inside, which only masked my insecurities, and amplified the frustrations I had within my own self.
Sure, I looked great on the outside, but inside, I was a mess. It wasn't until June 2022 that I finally made the decision to break free from the grip of steroids. And let me tell you, it hasn't been an easy journey. I've had to face the challenges of losing weight and rebuilding my self-esteem, all while confronting the demons that led me down this path in the first place.
But you know what? Despite the struggles, I wouldn't change a thing. Because through it all, I've learned some invaluable lessons. I've learned that true strength isn't measured by the size of your muscles, but by the courage it takes to confront your demons head-on. I've learned the importance of self-love and self-acceptance, of embracing your flaws and celebrating your journey towards self-improvement.
So yes, I may miss that body of mine from time to time, but I wouldn't trade the person I've become for anything in the world. Because true happiness isn't found in a syringe or a pill, but in the peace that comes from knowing you're living your life authentically, flaws and all.
The Original Copy of My Book
When I finished writing my book, ready for publication, I initially envisioned its cover to reflect the inspiration behind it - spiritual development and the principles of Spiral Dynamics discussed in Chapter 16. However, as I got deeper into the process, I later realised the importance of being open-minded and adapting.
Feedback from early readers highlighted the potential confusion surrounding the original cover design. Many perceived it as more scientific than spiritual or relevant to a biography/self-help book. Recognizing the need to ensure clarity and resonance with my audience, I made the decision to revise the cover.
This experience taught me crucial lessons in open-mindedness and flexibility. It underscored the importance of listening to feedback, being willing to make changes, and prioritising the needs of others.
Interestingly, this journey extends beyond the confines of book publishing; it embodies a universal truth applicable to life's myriad of challenges and interpersonal connections. It serves as a poignant reminder to approach circumstances with humility, receptivity, and a readiness to adapt for personal and collective growth.